Andrew Zahn

Friday Light: A Craigslist Halloween Horror Story

Once upon a time there lived a happy husband and a happy wife who lived in a happy home. This happy couple made their living acting, singing, and (sometimes to the mild dismay of the happy husband) dancing. Being actors, they were frequently between jobs and needed their ingenuity and creativity to create revenue for their happy home. As their spooky story unfolds, we visit the happy couple exactly three years ago to the day.

***

“This guy on Craigslist wants someone to do his makeup for his Halloween office party. He wants to go as an old man,” said the happy husband. “He’ll pay.”

“Go for it,” said the encouraging, happy wife.

The happy, and industrious, husband felt confident with his abilities having played numerous older characters in various theatrical productions. He knew he’d make this twenty-something office worker age 40-50 years with about forty-five minutes of makeup magic.

He contacted the office worker, they struck a deal, and made financial arrangements: $100 for about an hour or work. Jackpot. He couldn’t wait to tell his wife.

“Yeah, so he’ll pay $100 and we worked it all out. He’s gonna come over here at 6:00 Friday morning, I’ll do his makeup, and we’ll get some cash. Nice huh?” Her expression was clear. To him it read: what did you just say?

“So, if I hear you correctly, this guy from Craigslist is coming over to give you money so you can do his makeup? Is that right?”

Something about hearing his happy wife say it back to him cast doubt on the happy husband’s decision.

Three years ago today, that Friday morning plan entailed the following measures:

The happy wife would stay upstairs. She had the fire escape ladder at the ready if she heard any kind of skirmish.
The happy husband’s wallet was stripped of most of its valuables, except for a few items to make it appear ‘normal’ should the wallet be requested by wanting-to-look-old-office-guy.
All sharp objects were hidden.
The happy husband put one knife in his sock, resting against his right calf. . . just in case.

Preparations complete, the office worker arrived at the agreed time. He seemed nervous.

Why is he nervous? the happy husband thought. Maybe I’ll have to use that knife. Oh, dear.

The husband acted calmly. It was, after all, what he did: acting. With each new wrinkle formed on office-worker’s face via Ben Nye’s shadows and highlights, both the office worker and the happy husband got the results they wanted. Office worker looked old. Happy husband got paid. No one got hurt, and the happy husband was given an extra $20 tip from the happy office worker.

A happy Halloween.

***

Today, to commemorate not being robbed (or worse) by an office worker pretending to be old, the happy husband reenacted the events of the day. But this time, it was without the aid of Craigslist, for HE become that wanting-to-look-old-office-guy.

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Derek Jeter, Michael Jackson, Tim Tebow and Apple Products

I never did get it. I still don’t get it. And, faithless me, I will probably never get it.

It = watching most sports on TV.

What’s my problem?

Am I not a man?

Should I get my testosterone levels checked?

Two polarized groups: fans and non-fans. If I may, I’d like to have a fireside chat with each for a moment.

For sports fans… The non-fans, like myself, understand your passion; we just don’t understand why you’re so passionate. We too are a passionate people… for things like Apple products. We see this as a more beneficial relationship that doesn’t leave us as empty as watching a game. These products help us. They accomplish tasks. Create art. Improve communication. Entertain us.

“You just haven’t found your team yet,” you say. We’ve tried. To us, they’re all basically the same. Lions, tigers, bears . . .

“What about college teams instead of pro?” Same thing, different paycheck.

“Why are you a hater?” We know you just want us to love your team as much as you do and that our disinterest may seem like hate. It is not. We are lovers, not haters, which is why we’d rather spend our time doing things we love.

We’re not totally ignorant either. I knows some ‘sports names.’ I even put a couple in the title of this post: Jeter and Tebow! Granted, I Googled them before posting this because 1) I wasn’t sure if I spelled their names correctly and 2) I wasn’t sure what their first names were.

For non-fans… Michael Jackson said it best:

For you are not alone. Not alone ohhhh. You are not alone. You are not alone. Say it again. You are not alone. You are not alone. Not alone, not alone.

There’s other dudes like Brian Regan who may feel the same way. A t-shirt company even came up with a way to cash in on one of Regan’s stand-up routines.

This is my favorite jersey:

go my fav sports team jpeg — Andrew's Jersey

This football season, I want to participate and join the fans by cheering and celebrating as best I know how. I’ll just be wearing my ‘go my favorite sports team’ jersey.

What about you?

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Creative Juices: Monday Begins on Sunday

Monday blues. Case of the Monday’s. I’ve even heard it said that “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.” It’s a cute and clever statement, yet some actually believe this. Why waste 1/7th of our lives?

As whole and complete creatives our Mondays must begin on our Sundays with a basic three-fold plan: mind, body, and spirit.

+Sunday mind. Creative people read, listen to podcasts (here’s a good one on Ideation), and chat with other creatives at the local coffee shop. Whatever the case, striking that balance between mind, body, and spirit is rarely achieved without feeding the mind. This past Sunday I read a number of other blogs on creativity, watched a bit of the always inspiring CBS Sunday Morning, and snagged some time to write. Food for the mind.

+Sunday body. A jog. A walk. A ‘wog’ if you’d rather walk-jog. At any rate, a simple twenty minute something to fuel our week lets our bodies know that we care about them. When the weather is nice, like it was yesterday, I’ll clip off a few miles on our local rail-trail. Isn’t it amazing? (Find a trail like this near you.)

Rails to Trails Haven. Sad the railroad is gone. Happy it's used for a good purpose.

+Sunday spirit. Our spirit’s often neglected because it’s an intangible, unlike the mind and body. Sometimes used interchangeably with ‘soul,’ our spirit was created to commune and communicate with God. It’s maintenance is simple: get feed, feed others. My church is amazing–the teaching fantastic. The sheer joy and celebration of life is a banquet for my spirit. We leave knowing we’re loved, full of purpose, and desire to give that love away. Nothing like a healthy dose of gratefulness and thankfulness!

As I sit here now, in the early Monday morning pre-sun hours, I’m looking forward to today and to this week. My mind is charged, my body is refreshed, and my spirit is energized.

No more ‘case of the Monday’s’ thanks to a great Sunday.

How do you prep your mind, body, and spirit to supercharge your Monday?

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Write a Love Letter to a Grocery Store

As Madonna once said “express yourself.” Even if you don’t like Madonna, sometimes you just gotta write a love letter.

It doesn’t matter to whom.

It doesn’t matter the content.

It doesn’t matter the status of the relationship. Surely there’s something or someone or someplace or some that you love.

My wife and I write and vlog about stuff we love on our blog/vlog A Couple Comments. Here’s our most recent love letter… to Trader Joe’s grocery store.

Who deserves your love letter? What will it say?

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Friday Light: McDonald’s Dollar Menu Temptations

I’m weak. Like a girl at a hip-swiveling Elvis concert. Can’t say no. Willpower shot.

I hear from within me a whisper of sinister rationalization:

You deserve a break today.

To which I answer “yes. Yes indeed I DO deserve a break today.” And then another voice…

You want it, you need it.

Another answer of “I do want it, and yup, I do need it.” But then, the voice goes one too far with…

I’m lovin’ it.

Sitting here in my office, I realize I’m having an inner dialog with slogans from McDonald’s. Dang marketing department.

Generally, this self-talk happens in a matter of seconds and transpires just before lunch, which, of course, is already packed. I have an apple, a healthy wrap with 46 grams of fiber, and even some Greek Yogurt for dessert. Healthy, yes, but I want the trash food. I want the warm, gooey goodness that can only be found on a McMenu.

I’ll indulge in a McDouble from time to time, ordering it without cheese to make myself feel that I’m still cutting out some of the ‘unhealthy’ calories. Like I’m both auctioneer and buyer at the same time, the script often reads like this:

Auctioneer: I have a lovely McDouble on this pristine, plastic encased menu. I’ll start the bidding at one dollar.

Me: That’s not really even food. I’ll feel terrible after I eat whatever that thing is but I deserve a break today don’t I? Hmmmm. Ok I’ll take it.

Auctioneer: Going once, going twice….

Me: I’ll take it if I can have it without cheese. That’ll make it healthy. Right?!

Auctioneer: Sold to the man with weak willpower.

On my better days, I arrive having already eaten my healthy lunch. I’m just at McDonald’s to get out of the office for a wee bit. They have free wi-fi. They also have Diet Dr. Pepper. I’m a hero. I’m out of the office. I get a treat I love. I haven’t indulged in the McDouble McProblem.

After two (or three) free refills I have enough caffeine in me to levitate back to the office. Thanks Diet Dr. Pepper. Thanks McDonald’s.

What are your midday temptations? What marketing department tantalizes your subconscious… and wins?

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An Actor in the Office: Tips to Making Your Day Job Creative

6 Similarities of Working in an Office and Working on a Cruise Ship

I used to do this:

Now I do this:

As creatives, we have a challenge before us: to live a life filled with joy, connection, and fearlessness, and share those traits with others via our chosen medium of expression. How do we do this? Even in a cubicle?

6 Similarities of Working in an Office and Working on a Cruise Ship

Both jobs involve a performance for an audience. Aren’t all jobs about helping people do something?
Both jobs can become tedious and boring… if we let them.
Both jobs have a dress code. Granted, one is more ‘flashy’ than the other.
Both jobs require skills that can be learned, honed, and perfected.
Both jobs afford to opportunity to pack on the pounds. I’m speaking from experience here. Just sayin’.
All jobs are creative. Really. No, I’m serious.

All jobs require time and effort. I’m a wee bit selfish with my time and the idea of ‘renting’ myself out 40 hours a week feels a bit like a modern form of prostitution… if I let that attitude creep in. We have to choose to see every thing through artist eyes.

Hmmmm. I just looked at those pics again. I really ought to smile more. Although in the “Top Hat Happy” pic, a smile may detract from the beauty of the purple sequins.

What are your tips to keeping your day job creative? How do you think like an artist while shuffling papers, answering calls, or replying to e-mails?

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Dream Spinning Rumpelstiltskin Style: Honest Creativity

You’ve got a few projects to work on this week don’t you? A few reports to write, songs to compose, presentations to craft, deadlines to meet.

Time for a fairly tale.

You might empathize with the ‘miller’s daughter’ from the fairy take “Rumpelstiltskin.” Here’s a refresher on the story:

Lies and Greed. The ‘miller’ lies to be important. Says daughter can spin straw into gold. King sees great profit margins with daughter’s ‘abilities.’ Locks her in tower.
Despair. Her project: spin massive amounts of straw into gold in three days or die. She feels hopeless. Who wouldn’t?
Enter Hero? Rumpelstiltskin shows up. He’s her surrogate spinner for three days but takes her necklace, ring, and the promise of her firstborn child.
Bargaining. King marries miller’s daughter. She spins straw into gold after all. They have a baby. Rump shows up and wants the baby. Miller’s daughter (now Queen) doesn’t give up baby and Rump says it’s no biggie as long as Queen can guess his name in three days.
Happy Ending? She fails to guess correctly for day 1 and day 2, but does research (via a secret agent) and gets it correct on day 3. Rump is furious, doesn’t get child, and lives bitterly ever after. (In some versions the earth opens and swallows him whole.)

Question: Do you ever feel like the miller’s daughter?

Living under someone else’s promise or dream?
Seeking to do the seemingly impossible.
Wishing for a magical dwarf to come along, spin away all night, and solve all your woes?

When I read this fairly tale, I see a story based on a big lie: the miller’s dream to find favor with the king. To get the attention he wants, the miller lies about his daughter’s abilities. Sure, there are a number of other lessons, but for me and my quest to be creative, I’ve got to stop right there. I don’t want to live under someone else’s needy dream. If I were the miller’s daughter and and the King was about to lock me in a tower, I’d have said “your amazingness, thanks for this great place to do some work for you. Much appreciated. Here’s the thing–my dad loves me so much that he thinks I can do anything. Including spinning straw into gold. I wish I could do that but I can’t make it happen. It’s not one of my gifts. What do you need, besides straw-spun gold, to further your kingdom?”

That’s a different plot line. Sometimes, that’s exactly what we need. An honest plot. Our stories always change when we make choices based on honesty and freedom rather than fake identities and lies.

I’m curious, what do you glean from the story of “Rumpelstiltskin?”

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Friday Light: Big, Superfluous Words Make Us Seem Smarter

As creatives, we’ll often bend toward the serious side of life. Our temperaments embrace the melancholy, rainy day, James Taylor-esque “You’ve Got a Friend” sadness that, for some reason, makes us feel comforted. Not happy, but comforted.Sometimes we gotta chillax. In an effort to blend balance into our creative lives, I introduce to you Friday Light.This will be a weekly series each Friday to smack the melancholy in the tooth, laugh a little, and deliver a non-alcoholic buzz.Let’s get chuggin’.Confession: I sometimes like to appear smarter than I really am. Rather than using colloquial language, I’ll toss in some three, four, and five syllable words to dazzle. Have you ever used “big words” just to impress someone?Words like these…

Pretentious. Even using the word ‘pretentious’ is, in itself, pretentious.
Colloquial. See above. I used it a few sentences ago to make myself appear shiningly brilliant.
Nebulous. I’ll toss this one into a sentence when describing concepts and ideas that aren’t specific. As in: “I like the direction of this project Fran, it’s just a bit nebulous at present.” Just saying the word ‘nebulous’ raises my IQ. I’m sure of it.
Any Medical Terminology Picked Up from WebMD. As in “yeah, it was a post-roital laceration on my dorsal vertex.” Of course, peons who haven’t read WebMD feel their intelligence quotient drop with each and every syllable of our verbiage.
Verbiage. It’s pretentious to use the word ‘verbiage.’
Moot. Like a judge on Law and Order, we’ll refute irrelevant information and use the word moot. Check this out from the dictionary: “it is moot whether this phrase should be treated as metaphor or not.” That sentence doesn’t even seem like English.
Ambidextrous. I get a one-two punch out of this one by both saying the word and demonstrating as well. For some odd reason, I have no trouble shooting pool with either hand. Though I’ll probably not win the game, my opponent is astonished with my vocabulary and my ambidextrousness. Makes me feel better about myself… just like listening to James Taylor.

How are we going to keep it light today? Suggestion box below… just leave your tips in the comments.