Andrew Zahn

I’ve frittered my internet time away on facebook (which I’ve taken to calling ‘fakebook’–seems a ‘surrogate’ to actual connection, though I know it has it’s place).

Freewriting…

Been at my job for about 6 months now. Doing well. Want more creativity, more freedom. The prospect of starting our own business is extremely exciting to both of us. I feel the Lord is preparing us for this by me being in sales/business right now. He’s good to set us up with all that we need for the days ahead.

He’s good at setting us up.

Period.

He has such purpose to the way He leads. Knowing that there is purpose to each moment in the day, makes each moment a cherished one. It’s just a matter of actually REALIZING that truth, even in the hum-drums of life. In the frustrating moments as well as the thrilling moments.

Life is rich and full right now. A bit too much of work, but that’s the baby in me complaining about having to be an adult–truth be told, I work about 40 hrs per week.

In the midst of work, play, marriage, friendships, and good food is Jesus holding it all together. He’s tangible at times; a holy gravity that attracts blessing and favor.

February 15, 2009

I’m excited about staring a ‘real’ job tomorrow—working in sales for a remodeling company—but I know I need to keep performing.

I need to keep churning that fire inside to keep the brightness alive.

My words will burn with life no matter what the stage or where I am, I will keep growing and I will keep creating.

I will still sing and I will still dance. My body has always been and will always be a living sacrifice for my characters and my character. Jesus knows it best.

Words and song will seep from my pores even when no one has paid the ticket price. Even when there is no camera, stage door, or gaggle of grateful retirees applauding themselves awake for the final bow I will be a creator. I cannot help but reflect and shine with the goodness of God. Even though I know it’s true, it feels strangely boastful to say I’m made in His image.

Most of all, I feel grateful. I feel heaven’s open doors swinging wide.

I see the children inside.
All of them so young in their timelessness.
I see them soaking in the limitless goodness.

And I know that I have that same thing here—on earth—just as it is in Heaven.

—–

Boy, that was pretty dramatic. But it’s true and I liked writing it.

Here we are at home.

I’ve enjoyed being home so much that I really haven’t written. It has been—hmmm, let me find an array of adjectives to set my emotions on display: restful, pleasant, colorful, fun, tasty, serene, creative, prayerful, expectant, enjoyable, super-duper, yippie doodle dandy. OK, now I’m getting silly.

Sarah is singing a piece she’s working on for an audition, and the birds outside are whipping out some tunes of their own. With the open windows, Sarah and the tweeters are making a lovely duet. The dog sits to my right, the coffee to my left, the couch hugging my back, and I think I’m just spoiled rotten. I think back to my time in Mozambique—I do this daily—I honestly don’t think there’s a day that goes by when Africa doesn’t cross to ocean and invade my American mindset. I try to reconcile how I live and how billions of others live. It’s almost like these moments of joy are interrupted by the reality of the third world.

And it makes me more grateful. How can it be that I am this fortunate? To love and be loved. To be fed and able to feed. To have such freedom? All this in a time when the news keeps telling us about the housing market plummeting, ridiculous price of oil, and depressing stock market numbers. How does that affect me? How does that affect my brothers—my sisters—in other countries? I’m definitely waxing poetic and melancholy, but there is truth here and I’m determined to find it. What does it mean for Sarah and I?

One of our continual prayers is that we would be ever transformed into a more generous couple. I daresay that second to our prayer of “loving each other better today than we did yesterday,” the prayer of generosity is our most common petition. It’s quickly becoming one of my favorite words: generous. Generosity bleeds into every area of our lives. How we treat one another. How we tend to other’s needs. How we listen. How and why we acquire wealth. How we rehearse, work, and perform.

It’s times like these, when I feel and experience the intense generosity of Father God. And I’m grateful. But I don’t want to just feel His generosity, I wanna live with the same generosity.

Eugene Peterson wrote a paraphrase of the Bible called The Message and I love digging into it. In Matthew 5:16 of that paraphrase, it aptly states my heart:

OK—opening up to others. That’s nice. I can do that. I can open up. Sure, I can share my heart with friends. I can do that. Hmmm. But then, later in the same chapter in Matthew, Jesus takes this generosity idea a bit far—almost uncomfortably far.

That phrase causes me to stop each time I read it: ‘is that going to get us anywhere?’ It’s a question that begs to be answered. It a rhetorical question—of course that’s not going to get us anywhere. He continues on:

Do we really know what we’re getting into here. Yeah, we say we love Jesus and then He says something like this. If we say we love Him but don’t live the way He says is a generous way to live, do we really love Him?

Does living generously mean that we’ll be beat up, spit out, walked over. Human-doormat love?

I’m asking Him what it looks like—I’m asking Him that question daily and have been for about two years: “what does love look like?”

Looking at the ultimate example of love, the love of God, I see that He gave up all His rights to see a superior Kingdom come in power— but why? To become a religious superstar? Naw. To grow rich? Certainly not? Why did He do this? Because He loves us.

He gave up His life: ultimate generosity. There is no greater act of generous, unhindered love than to give up one’s life. Right now, in this moment, I feel Him answering some of my questions, and this is what He’s telling me:

This isn’t about letting people walk all over you. I didn’t make you to be a doormat. I made you to display my love, who I am, to others. There are times when you will feel walked on. There are times when you will experience incredible pain. I’m saying be generous always. You ALWAYS have something to give, even if you feel everything is being taken from you. Always give, and you will always receive enough to continue to give.

Give us courage. Courage to believe that what You say is true.

Courage to live generously.

I’ve heard a lot of the power of ‘yes’ and the power of ‘no’ recently. I actually can’t stop hearing it. It’s blazing in my ears like a wildfire. Few moments pass when I am not confronted with the ‘no’ and the ‘yes’ of this grand gift called life.

• The ‘yes’ is trust in the character of God despite circumstances.

• The ‘no’ is a distrust of God as a result of our circumstances and seemingly true facts.

In everything God tells us, we have a response. Yes or no.

I can’t stop hearing it in broken families.

In hurting friends.

In sailing victories.

I’ve heard it in nature, in sermons, in music, in literature, in movies…. yeah. A lot.

And at Christmas… I hear it in Mary’s faith-filled “yes” response to the angel Gabriel in her “let it be done to me according to your word.” And Zechariah’s doubt-filled “no” response when he said “how can I be sure of this.”

Between the ‘no’ and the ‘yes’ is a place where faith (pardon the similar slang expression) ‘hit’s the fan.’ Or ‘rubber meets the road.’ Or… well, take your pick.

Is God a liar? Are His promises true? When the angel shouted ‘good news’ when Jesus came, was that merely figurative?

I am an actor. I’m a deep feeler. I can be moody—sometimes for seemingly no reason. In many ways, I’m more of a ‘feeler’ than most men out there.

Correction. Than most men would ADMIT they are. Most men are deep feelers—extremely passionate feelers—violent feelers even… ok—so that’s a tangent.

The point is this: I do feel and feel very deeply.

The crisis of belief comes when my feelings do not line up with my faith. What do I do then?

Who is telling me the truth? Will someone tell me the truth? Who is more reliable? Are my ups and downs to be trusted as the truth? Where is the truth in my feelings? Do I just deny what I’m feeling all the time? Do I fall headlong into my emotions and become an introspective wasteland?

Who will I give my ‘yes’ to? To God? To myself? To my circumstances?

Is my God a trickster telling me to do what I cannot do? Telling me to believe what I cannot believe? Who is the impossible God?

For the ferociously passionate believer, this is where ‘yes’ must triumph over ‘no.’

All the time. In every choice. Every decision.

‘Yes’ must triumph over ‘no.’

A ‘ferociously passionate believer’ is one who knows God is not a liar. Ever. And everything He says is true. I admit that I am one such believer—or hope to be becoming one such believer. I choose to believe that God is a truth teller. He tells me the truth regardless of how I may feel, or rationalize, or question that God is not true and spits half-truths at me to play around with me.

But we’ve got questions that send us into tailspin—many times we can’t pull out of it. Most of these questions stem from one thought:

To put it another way…

It happens. It’s happened to me. It might even today. And all that is ok… I guess. But why waste time on what is not true? Why should I meditate on lies, even if they feel true…

It’s just a detour to faith. I know people who’ve spent most of their lives living between ‘yes’ and ‘no.’

I’ve been one of them. Believing God but also trusting myself. A deadly duality.

Believing God = yes. Like Mary’s “I believe you, what you have said is true, though it seems completely ridiculous.”

Trusting myself = no. Like Zechariah’s “I’m old, this can’t happen, either I’m crazy or God is a liar. Hmmm. I’m gonna say my reasoning is better than what God has said.”

A dangerous place to live. I don’t wanna go there anymore.

Simple.

And to bring it home, let this video wash over you. I recorded it at Dollywood (I know, I know, but it’s fun) and put it up on youtube. Some great performers and a great song for Christmas, and ultimately, for your life. There are two people saying a blazing YES to the Lord in this video–even against all the odds.

Yes Lord. Always yes!

Been wondering lately about jobs… am I the only one who just has such a hard time seeing the purpose in storing up all kinds of junk junk so I can get more junk junk. Meanwhile, life is passing us all by. I really have to leap over this hurdle–the job hurdle. 

I just can’t seem to get over this one. And, ironically, no one ever told me that the things I’d studied in college (theater/music) were most likely the things I’d have to do to make some cash. 

So now I’ve done those things–those things I went to college for–those theater/music things. And I kinda feel like I’m done. Yes, as in the fork in me done. Done. The odd thing is, I still wanna be creative–I still wanna do new things–challenging things. On one side of the hurdle–staying there, wondering if this is what God made me for. Why do I have the abilities I have if I’m not supposed to use them… somehow. 

I wonder if I can jump over, and jump back and then… jump back over again? Somehow, that doesn’t really seem like that will get me further down the track–rather, it will keep me that that hurdle. 

These thoughts–though entirely introspective and semi-nauseating–are good ones. It’s this point of pressure that forces us along the way–so there’s little danger in stagnating. 

Time to jump?  Or….