Speaking Fake English and Other Fake Languages

Have you ever tried to mimic a foreign language? As in: you don’t speak French, Chinese, or German but you attempt to sound like you’re speaking the language?

I’m guilty. I’ve done this on several occasions. This past weekend I made a baby giggle by performing my faux Chinese for him. He loved it. Best thing he’d ever heard in his less-than-one-year-old life. Giggles galore.

There are numerous You Tube clips of people speaking fake English. If you have a few minutes, watch this video. It’s a short film of actors doing a scene in fairly convincing fake English. Fascinating. Here’s one viewer’s comment…

Two other times in my life, I’ve publicly spoken fake langages.

Hotel in Des Moines. I was in high school at the time and was attending a function at a convention center. I don’t remember the function. I don’t even remember why I was there. I do remember my friend Jason and I were extremely bored. In our boredom, we masqueraded as foreigners in the opulent lobby by chatting in a quasi-something language as people walked by. The passers-by either thought “wow, they’re so foreign that I don’t even know where they’re from” or “what’s wrong with them.”

Rehearsal for a Play. A director once had the idea to have the actors focus only on the intent of our lines without using the lines themselves. She told us to use gibberish instead of our actual lines; our communication limited to nonsense sounds and physicalization. It’s a decent idea… until you start cracking up while trying to communicate frustration, joy, and other emotions while looking into your fellow actor’s eyes as he says “gerdarbul ferndig blarstic. Blarstic! Narful blads tog infel daldig rerg. Gowtow.”

Langauges fascinate me. I’m always amazed how humbled and awkward I feel when I’m in a foreign country where everything, including the language, is different from my normal. It’s refreshing to learn again. To communicate in broken sentences. To push through all those mistakes and uncomfortable moments.

Isn’t that what we do each and every time we create? We find our legs again and we start from scratch. We seek to communicate using our chosen language: written words, paint, ingredients, presentations. Sometimes we feel foolish. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes our message may seem like gibberish.

But sometimes we bring a smile. Sometimes our seeming nonsese makes someone laugh. Sometimes we change something in someone. All because we spoke the language that only we can speak.

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Friday Light: Slightly Embarrassing Quirks and Inappropriateness

At times I want this blog to be notable. Regal. Intellectual. Thought provoking.

But that can also be boring. Hence, the reason every Friday post blends in a little humor, and today’s shares an extra dash of embarrassing quirks from childhood. Quirks volume one here.

+Earthworms. After it rained and the earthworms littered the ground, I’d don my rollerskates and ‘save’ them, tossing them back into the soaked earth from which they sought to escape. I don’t do this anymore. OK, maybe I did once or twice in the last year.

+Hot Dogs. I didn’t eat hot dogs for about five years durning my elementary school days as I’d been told they were made of earthworms. I save earthworms, not eat them = childhood logic.

+I Pledged Allegiance to a Christmas Tree. Real Christmas trees always adorned our home, but one year it grew, even in it’s little tree stand. It actually got taller. I felt badly that the poor guy would be tossed into our woods behind the woodpile. It was growing, after all. So what makes a Christmas tree feel better? Singing to it. Christmas carols. I promised the tree that I’d never forget all it had done for us. The odd ritual only lasted a week or so, but that tree died a slow death while being saranaded by a nine-year-old. Kinda like The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstien. Only not really.

+Inappropriate Nicknames. As a kid, I often went for the laugh in most circumstances. Still do. I think I was simply going for the laugh when I called my third grade art teacher a prostitute. Something like ‘oh yeah, we’ll you’re just a prostitute.’ Hmmmm. I’d never been removed from a classroom faster than I was on that day. I honestly had no idea what a prostitue was, though I imagine when I first heard the word used by others, their audience laughed so I thought I’d give it a try. Bad idea.

There’s more. Oh, yes, there’s plenty more. But that’s a start and you can read quirks volume one here.

In the meantime, please tell me I’m not alone. What kinds of crazy did you do when you were a kiddo? Leave a reply below so we can all get a chuckle…

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Friday Light: A Craigslist Halloween Horror Story

Once upon a time there lived a happy husband and a happy wife who lived in a happy home. This happy couple made their living acting, singing, and (sometimes to the mild dismay of the happy husband) dancing. Being actors, they were frequently between jobs and needed their ingenuity and creativity to create revenue for their happy home. As their spooky story unfolds, we visit the happy couple exactly three years ago to the day.

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“This guy on Craigslist wants someone to do his makeup for his Halloween office party. He wants to go as an old man,” said the happy husband. “He’ll pay.”

“Go for it,” said the encouraging, happy wife.

The happy, and industrious, husband felt confident with his abilities having played numerous older characters in various theatrical productions. He knew he’d make this twenty-something office worker age 40-50 years with about forty-five minutes of makeup magic.

He contacted the office worker, they struck a deal, and made financial arrangements: $100 for about an hour or work. Jackpot. He couldn’t wait to tell his wife.

“Yeah, so he’ll pay $100 and we worked it all out. He’s gonna come over here at 6:00 Friday morning, I’ll do his makeup, and we’ll get some cash. Nice huh?” Her expression was clear. To him it read: what did you just say?

“So, if I hear you correctly, this guy from Craigslist is coming over to give you money so you can do his makeup? Is that right?”

Something about hearing his happy wife say it back to him cast doubt on the happy husband’s decision.

Three years ago today, that Friday morning plan entailed the following measures:

  • The happy wife would stay upstairs. She had the fire escape ladder at the ready if she heard any kind of skirmish.
  • The happy husband’s wallet was stripped of most of its valuables, except for a few items to make it appear ‘normal’ should the wallet be requested by wanting-to-look-old-office-guy.
  • All sharp objects were hidden.
  • The happy husband put one knife in his sock, resting against his right calf. . . just in case.

Preparations complete, the office worker arrived at the agreed time. He seemed nervous.

Why is he nervous? the happy husband thought. Maybe I’ll have to use that knife. Oh, dear.

The husband acted calmly. It was, after all, what he did: acting. With each new wrinkle formed on office-worker’s face via Ben Nye’s shadows and highlights, both the office worker and the happy husband got the results they wanted. Office worker looked old. Happy husband got paid. No one got hurt, and the happy husband was given an extra $20 tip from the happy office worker.

A happy Halloween.

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Today, to commemorate not being robbed (or worse) by an office worker pretending to be old, the happy husband reenacted the events of the day. But this time, it was without the aid of Craigslist, for HE become that wanting-to-look-old-office-guy.20111028-075759.jpg

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Derek Jeter, Michael Jackson, Tim Tebow and Apple Products

I never did get it. I still don’t get it. And, faithless me, I will probably never get it.

It = watching most sports on TV.

What’s my problem?

Am I not a man?

Should I get my testosterone levels checked?

Two polarized groups: fans and non-fans. If I may, I’d like to have a fireside chat with each for a moment.

For sports fans The non-fans, like myself, understand your passion; we just don’t understand why you’re so passionate. We too are a passionate people… for things like Apple products. We see this as a more beneficial relationship that doesn’t leave us as empty as watching a game. These products help us. They accomplish tasks. Create art. Improve communication. Entertain us.

“You just haven’t found your team yet,” you say. We’ve tried. To us, they’re all basically the same. Lions, tigers, bears . . .

“What about college teams instead of pro?” Same thing, different paycheck.

“Why are you a hater?” We know you just want us to love your team as much as you do and that our disinterest may seem like hate. It is not. We are lovers, not haters, which is why we’d rather spend our time doing things we love.

We’re not totally ignorant either. I knows some ‘sports names.’ I even put a couple in the title of this post: Jeter and Tebow! Granted, I Googled them before posting this because 1) I wasn’t sure if I spelled their names correctly and 2) I wasn’t sure what their first names were.

For non-fans  Michael Jackson said it best:

For you are not alone. Not alone ohhhh. You are not alone. You are not alone. Say it again. You are not alone. You are not alone. Not alone, not alone.

There’s other dudes like Brian Regan who may feel the same way. A t-shirt company even came up with a way to cash in on one of Regan’s stand-up routines.

This is my favorite jersey:

Andrew's Jersey

This football season, I want to participate and join the fans by cheering and celebrating as best I know how. I’ll just be wearing my ‘go my favorite sports team’ jersey.

What about you?

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Write a Love Letter to a Grocery Store

As Madonna once said “express yourself.” Even if you don’t like Madonna, sometimes you just gotta write a love letter.

It doesn’t matter to whom.

It doesn’t matter the content.

It doesn’t matter the status of the relationship. Surely there’s something or someone or someplace or some                 that you love.

My wife and I write and vlog about stuff we love on our blog/vlog A Couple Comments. Here’s our most recent love letter… to Trader Joe’s grocery store.

 

Who deserves your love letter? What will it say?

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Friday Light: McDonald’s Dollar Menu Temptations

I’m weak. Like a girl at a hip-swiveling Elvis concert. Can’t say no. Willpower shot.

I hear from within me a whisper of sinister rationalization:

You deserve a break today.

To which I answer “yes. Yes indeed I DO deserve a break today.” And then another voice…

You want it, you need it.

Another answer of “I do want it, and yup, I do need it.” But then, the voice goes one too far with…

I’m lovin’ it.

Sitting here in my office, I realize I’m having an inner dialog with slogans from McDonald’s. Dang marketing department.

Generally, this self-talk happens in a matter of seconds and transpires just before lunch, which, of course, is already packed. I have an apple, a healthy wrap with 46 grams of fiber, and even some Greek Yogurt for dessert. Healthy, yes, but I want the trash food. I want the warm, gooey goodness that can only be found on a McMenu.

I’ll indulge in a McDouble from time to time, ordering it without cheese to make myself feel that I’m still cutting out some of the ‘unhealthy’ calories. Like I’m both auctioneer and buyer at the same time, the script often reads like this:

Auctioneer: I have a lovely McDouble on this pristine, plastic encased menu. I’ll start the bidding at one dollar.

Me: That’s not really even food. I’ll feel terrible after I eat whatever that thing is but I deserve a break today don’t I? Hmmmm. Ok I’ll take it.

Auctioneer: Going once, going twice….

Me: I’ll take it if I can have it without cheese. That’ll make it healthy. Right?!

Auctioneer: Sold to the man with weak willpower.

On my better days, I arrive having already eaten my healthy lunch. I’m just at McDonald’s to get out of the office for a wee bit. They have free wi-fi. They also have Diet Dr. Pepper. I’m a hero. I’m out of the office. I get a treat I love. I haven’t indulged in the McDouble McProblem.

After two (or three) free refills I have enough caffeine in me to levitate back to the office. Thanks Diet Dr. Pepper. Thanks McDonald’s.

Calorie Free McTreat at McDonalds

What are your midday temptations? What marketing department tantalizes your subconscious… and wins?

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Friday Light: Big, Superfluous Words Make Us Seem Smarter

As creatives, we’ll often bend toward the serious side of life. Our temperaments embrace the melancholy, rainy day, James Taylor-esque “You’ve Got a Friend” sadness that, for some reason, makes us feel comforted. Not happy, but comforted.Sometimes we gotta chillax. In an effort to blend balance into our creative lives, I introduce to you Friday Light.This will be a weekly series each Friday to smack the melancholy in the tooth, laugh a little, and deliver a non-alcoholic buzz.Let’s get chuggin’.Confession: I sometimes like to appear smarter than I really am. Rather than using colloquial language, I’ll toss in some three, four, and five syllable words to dazzle. Have you ever used “big words” just to impress someone?Words like these…

  • Pretentious. Even using the word ‘pretentious’ is, in itself, pretentious.
  • Colloquial. See above. I used it a few sentences ago to make myself appear shiningly brilliant.
  • Nebulous. I’ll toss this one into a sentence when describing concepts and ideas that aren’t specific. As in: “I like the direction of this project Fran, it’s just a bit nebulous at present.” Just saying the word ‘nebulous’ raises my IQ. I’m sure of it.
  • Any Medical Terminology Picked Up from WebMD. As in “yeah, it was a post-roital laceration on my dorsal vertex.” Of course, peons who haven’t read WebMD feel their intelligence quotient drop with each and every syllable of our verbiage.
  • Verbiage. It’s pretentious to use the word ‘verbiage.’
  • Moot. Like a judge on Law and Order, we’ll refute irrelevant information and use the word moot. Check this out from the dictionary: “it is moot whether this phrase should be treated as metaphor or not.” That sentence doesn’t even seem like English.
  • Ambidextrous. I get a one-two punch out of this one by both saying the word and demonstrating as well. For some odd reason, I have no trouble shooting pool with either hand. Though I’ll probably not win the game, my opponent is astonished with my vocabulary and my ambidextrousness. Makes me feel better about myself… just like listening to James Taylor.

How are we going to keep it light today?  Suggestion box below… just leave your tips in the comments.

Slightly Embarassing Creative Quirks

As creatives, we all have idiosyncrasies. I’d like to know your creative quirks that play into your art and creative process. And by ‘your art,’ I mean: getting the kids ready for bed, conducting a non-boring sales meeting at work, making a meal, or designing a dream from concept to fruition.We’re all artists.

I’ll start the ball rolling before you divulge your foibles.

On the cusp of writing this list, I’ll just say this: if you could see me, you’d describe the look on my face as chagrined. (I had to look ‘chagrined’ up to make sure I was using it correctly. Geek-factor.)

Weird music tastes. My 5 most recent iTunes downloads:

    1. “The Edge of Glory” by Lady Gaga. Just embarrassing, but I love it. There, I said it.
    2. “Tightrope” (featuring Big Boi) by Janelle Monae. So. Very. Good. It’s like hearing a good preacher expound on the Bible. She makes it come alive. Joy-singer. Here’s the video on youtube.
    3. “Bennie and the Jets” by Haley Reinhart. Yes, she was on American Idol. And yes, this version is awesome.
    4. “Forever” by Chris Brown. I first heard this while watching NBC’s “The Office.” It was featured in the Jim/Pam wedding. Celebration music extravaganza.
    5. Make Your Own Kind of Music” by Mama Cass Elliot. Butter-voiced Mama Cass (of Mama’s and the Papa’s fame) belts out this lovely anthem to artists with pinpoint croonery skills.
OCD Watchdog/Mild Participator. 3 weird things:
    1. I like shows like “Obsessed” and “Hoarders.” At times, I can identify with the people on the shows. That scares me. Then I realize I’m not like them. That relieves me. Emotional journey.
    2. A ‘thing’ with odd/even numbers. When turning up the volume on the TV, I’ll often want it to be an even number. Why? I dunno. But then I think of the people on shows like “Obsessed” and I flip it to 13 or 17 and throw caution to the wind.
    3. Supersonic ears. I often wear earplugs to concerts, theaters, even churches at times. Sensitive ears.
Randoms.
    1. I usually sleep on the floor. Actually, I start in the bed and then, around 2 or 3 AM I end up waking up and moving to the floor. Why? I like it. It happened last night.
    2. I don’t call my wife ‘dear’ or ‘honey.’ We keep it simple: we call each other ‘babies.’ ‘Dear’ and ‘honey’ never seemed right to us. Nor does ‘deer honey.’
    3. I was invincible once. I took a Starbucks Venti Iced Americano (I believe it has 34 shots of espresso in it) into the movie theater to watch The Dark Knight. Upon leaving the theater and finding my way home, the combination of the movie and caffeine told me that yes indeed, I too was a superhero. I was Batman until that buzz wore off. I’ve not had a Venti Iced Americano since.

Enough of my quirks.

Who’s honest enough to share one or two of your creative quirks that make you who you are?

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