If Your Real Christmas Tree Could Talk

This isn’t quite what I’d expected, but I’m glad you picked me.

I guess I was thinking it would end sooner than this. Ya know, that I’d be in the fireplace by now or whittled into something.

Anything but this.

How did this all start? With you guys bringing teenaged trees inside your homes and putting this junk on us?

So odd.

I suppose if ya gotta go, this is the way to go, but it’s a bit much. I can’t help but feel slightly embarrassed by all the attention, picture taking, prime window location.

Coffee would be nice. This water is hor-ri-bul. You guys drink this stuff? Man, the water we got when we were kids. Good stuff. We lived right by a spring-fed lake. Now that’s water. Yessiree.

Suggestion: since it seems you’ve done this before, why not change things up next year? Why not leave us in the ground, you could decorate us there, and then if you really wanted a tree inside, you could, I dunno, make a fake tree. I mean, I don’t want to complain. I appreciate all the work you’ve done, but this slow death (especially with this water) is killing me. Literally.

Also, your cat’s a demon.
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Author: Andrew Zahn

I'm a son, husband, dad, business owner, actor and good sleeper/eater. On this blog, I pave a highway for creative growth by providing food, water, and shelter for those wishing to live, work, and play with creative zest.

  • Mine would say, “Please tell me you’re planning a loooong road trip with these kids over Christmas. You are, aren’t you? WHAT??? They’re home from school and here for 2 solid weeks??? NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO……” 🙂

    • Andrew Zahn

      All those Stuff Boys Do to your tree… I don’t doubt it would call 911 if it could. Have a great Christmas Tony!

  • Diane Zahn

    And just think how our tree “felt” when we (okay, I) added Karo syrup, bleach, and plant food to the its’ water. It must have liked the brew since we often had a tree grow . . .
    And then there was Princeton, our frisky, trouble-finding cat. He LOVED the tree and wondered at the way its’ bulbs. lights, and garland beckoned him to sometimes even climb in its’ branches!

    • Andrew Zahn

      Lots of great great memories!

  • Dear Tree:

    I don’t say this to alarm you, but this isn’t how it ends for you. Do you remember the scene in Fargo? The one with the chipper/shredder?

    You can either be mulch or you can be compost, buddy. I’d go with mulch; it’s a quicker resolution, and you won’t have to cozy up to the rotting fruit.

    • Andrew Zahn

      Destiny realized! 😉